The Problem with Sherlock

This is Joseph Stalin, the man who rose to power after the Russian Revolution. He presided over the Soviet Union until the time of his death.

This gentleman is Bruce Wayne, colloquially referred to as “Batman”. Batman is the protector of the city of Gotham, and has foiled many nefarious plots over a long and prestigious career.

This is the French Revolution. The French Revolution’s results were not lasting, but they were certainly dramatic and caught the attention of the world, and later served as a precedent for the American Revolution which, as we all know, spawned the world’s greatest economy: the United States of America.

And this is Jack Sparrow. He’s risen from the dead, stabbed the heart of Davey Jones, and come into the possession of a jar of dirt.

Three men and one revolution. All are noteworthy men or events of action. All have accomplished superhuman feats, whether it be governing Siberia or defeating Catwoman.

And what do these men/events have in common?

Action themes. All of these men have action themes, ranging from La Marseillaise to da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na BATMAN!!! I myself have an action theme which is loosely based off of Deep Purple’s Smoke on the Water in double time. It should be obvious that anyone who wants to accomplish anything has to have an action theme.

This is Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock Holmes has a devil-may-care hairdo and a quixotic expression. Sherlock Holmes has a movie full of copious amounts of squee, including, but not limited to, Sherlock Holmes, the beautiful and iconic city of London in the 1800s, the banter between Sherlock Holmes and his well nigh inseparable companion Watson, shrapnel, pretty fire, the British parliament, the hangman’s noose, satanic ritual, resurrection from the dead, and Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock Holmes does not, however, have an action theme. The audience is forced to leave the theatre to the sound of Celtic stepdancing music. This only confuses them, since the last time I checked London was not in Ireland. There was nothing wrong with that movie that a good action theme couldn’t have fixed.

I take that back. Someone needs to completely revamp this movie’s soundtrack. Violin music should not play when things are exploding, and for God’s sake, cover up the sound of Sherlock Holmes and Beautiful Female Criminal Trope girl with some sort of romantic theme. It’s bad enough that I have to watch people in movies kissing; I don’t want to hear it, too. Put the corny violin music there. Put the stepdancing music there, for all I care. Just cover it up, will you?