Pretension

Let me start off by saying that I have absolutely nothing against art films. I enjoy a good European indie about the nature of miscommunication as much as the next pretentious college student, but I feel that my pretentious brethren, whom I love dearly, approach ignorance in their blatant disregard of popular culture.

Since I set foot on campus I’ve been hearing comments which make me feel like a philistine, but a philistine with the moral high ground. Since when is “It’s too popular for me” a reason not to like something? Reference the laziness of the screenwriter in leaving about a zillion plotholes, if you like, or say that the song’s lyrics are subpar, but don’t dismiss someone’s work with an “It’s popular”, and for God’s sake don’t follow this comment with “Now, Dr. Zhivago, there’s a real book.” We are not talking about Dr. Zhivago. We are talking about— because I was watching it less than an hour ago— Pirates of the Caribbean.

Pirates of the Caribbean is an action movie. Since it is an action movie, one shouldn’t approach it expecting whatever deep message one might get from a Swedish art film about humanity’s place in the cosmos. But Pirates gives what is promised in the trailer and more— beautiful cinematography and nonstop action, all of which is taking place to the beat of an incredible soundtrack. My father has always held that classical masterpieces are no longer presented in a concert hall, but in a movie soundtrack, and I’m inclined to agree. Personally, if I had just written a classical masterpiece and I could either hear it performed in Carnegie Hall or in Pirates IV, I’d choose Pirates. Why? Because of greater exposure and a larger profit— mainly greater exposure. Popularity of modern classical music aside, there’s only so many people you can fit into Carnegie Hall on any given day. The more exposure a work of art has, the more life it has. Life is the ability to affect other living things, and I’d rather affect thousands of people on opening night than a couple hundred members of the New York artistic elite.

But we haven’t even gotten to the acting yet. The acting cannot be described with normal superlatives. Aside from the brilliance of Johnny Depp, there’s the pirate supporting cast— specifically Barbosa, who gives a stellar performance, with facial expressions and line delivery that would make him the best character in the movie were Johnny Depp not there to steal the spotlight. I thought all of the pirates performed their roles admirably, juggling levity and genuine danger to create a mixture which can only be described, in culinary terms, as spicy goodness. Kiera and Orlando, the Pirate world’s token pretty people, I actually find quite boring. Both of them were perfectly fine, but fine isn’t good enough when you’re costarring with Johnny Depp. If it were possible to cut Elizabeth and Will Turner out of the picture entirely and focus more on Sparrow and Barbosa, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

This has turned into more of a rambling movie review than an actual cohesive thought. Regardless, lay off my mainstream action movies, okay?